Thursday, May 31, 2012

Flying Orgasms

"I am NOT feeling sexy today," I whined at H this morning.

It was true.  I had been up way too late the night before, and I had barely got into my first cup of coffee while I dragged my feet about going to work. I had already dropped J at school, but had to come home for my shower and to get dressed.

After the shower, I viewed my naked self in the mirror and sighed.  It was not a feeling good kind of day.

"I'm sorry."  H said with a tone that implied, Is there more to this?

I stood to go to work.  H came over to kiss me and noted that it was Thursday - maintenance day.  Did I want my spanking before I left or later on?

I started to tell him it was up to him, but he gave me one of those dominant I asked you a question and I expect an answer looks.

"Now."


"Okay," he agreed as he moved me down the hall to the bedroom.

I approached our bed.  Hands flat out in front of me, legs spread wide.  H pulled two pillows down for me to lay across.

"I love the way those little heels give your ass a bit of a lift."  Did I mention that I was dressed for work in a skirt and small black pumps?  Well, now the skirt was around my waist and my body was half inert.  But the pumps were still there.

I don't remember what all was said, I just remember the flogger coming down.  H started flipping it across my ass in a whippy manner that suggested he was having fun.

There is something with the floggers.  They start by making my nipples hard, then they tease my bum and then a burn starts to build.  It is not sharp like the feather duster or hard like the hand.  It is soft and it is intense.  Anyway, that's how it works for me.

I started to get turned on - and I said as much, "If you are trying to turn me on, it is working."

Suddenly, there was a pause and then a cock pushed up right against my pussy.  I yelped, "Oh, God!"

We've been in this position before (same shoes!) and I know that I am just a few inches too low for H.  I slid my knees up on the corner of the bed, hoping I was not too high.

H managed to shove himself in and started pumping away.  I was getting into it, but realized the rhythm was off - gasp, "Am I too high?"  grunt, "A bit."

I dropped one leg and aimed for a diagonal straight on to H as he kept going.

It felt so good and I was settling in for the ride, when swish, swish, the flogger hit again.

My hip bucked involuntarily against H, which must be desirable, because with one hand he grasped me into his groin and with the other, swish, swish.  And just like that, an orgasm was knocking on my clit.  Two more random floggings and fuckings and the orgasm dam broke.

And once again, I was flying.

Remember, I was one knee on the bed and one leg on the floor and then both legs were straight back around H's hips.  It was like I was a wheelbarrow, with the bed supporting my torso and my legs just waving in the air.

Flying orgasms.

The BEST orgasm ever.  I had no control, no thoughts, I was screaming and I could hear me, and my mind was like, "THE NEIGHBORS!" and my body was not connected to my mind and the screams just kept coming.  H held me until it subsided and then moved me directly to the bed where I sat straight down on to him.

I started a pretty good rhythm and was rewarded with a look of pleasure as H's eyes closed.  I vowed to keep the rhythm going for him, because he had caused what just happened to my body, and he deserved to come like that too...  I was getting it going - riding his cock, up and down, at a bit of angle when out of nowhere...

The orgasm dam broke again.  And I came.  This time my mind was "No!  What about H?!?!"  And my body still didn't give a damn as it quivered.

As I quieted, we started moving again and I really vowed to let H come this time.  But it was too late, they were triggering now, one after another.  And then... I came so hard that I clamped down.  I clamped down enough that H's cock decided to vacate.

Shit.  I hate it when that happens.

He looked at me.  "Time to suck your cock now."  I don't think it is mine, but I went right down.  And I sucked.  I worked the hand over the balls and up and down as I gagged on the ever growing member in my throat.  I am not sure, but I think I was swinging my ass about as I was sucking and the numerous wet spots on the bed after attest to this fact.

A little secret - if you put your whole body into sucking a cock, they will feel it and so will you.  I think H had a great orgasm, but I can't be sure.  I  do know that he waved my head away for one of the first times ever.

I sat up and smiled at him as I tasted his come in my throat.

"Are you feeling sexy now?"

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Tokens

I have seen a few blogs lately regarding tokens.  The things that connect us with the ones we love.  Just tonight, I read Aisha on a collar of consideration and Riley on her bear from Cael.  I am sure there were others as I was catching up from a weekend away.  In the comments on Riley's, there is a much larger list, including locks of hair, letters and of course, wedding rings..

It reminded me of the conflicting views I have in my life around stuff.  I don't like to get attached to things, because they can break, go missing, or end up stolen and in the end, it is the people we love that truly makes the difference.  Also, controlling stuff is a large issue that I believe Americans have.  It is too easy to accumulate a lot of crap.

Having said all that, I am up to four daily wear items that attach me to the ones I love and this is the order I don them every morning.

(I don't sleep in my jewelry - a lot of people do, but I don't.)

1 - Wedding Band.  I never had a large engagement ring.  There was one in the works, but we put the money towards the down payment on a house and I never looked back.  Instead, H and I wear matching bands in alternate gold colors (mine yellow gold with white accents - his white with yellow accents).  We found enough symbolism in the way our bands were put together that we put a whole ring vow in our ceremony.  I like pretty jewelry, but there are times that I am really proud of us for doing it this way.  We make me so happy.

2 - Tie.  I have two rings I wear on my alternate ring finger - the bottom one is in the shape of my never to be engagement ring, but much smaller and contains small chips of our birthstones and our initials.  H gave it to me for my birthday last year (after I directed him to the website), so we did it together, I guess.

The top one is a silver complement to my wedding band.  But this one is all me - I bought it and I wear it, because no matter what, I need me to be present as me.  H wisely said "Of course not" when I asked if this would bother him.

Not to be ghoulish, but things happen and if I think about it too much, I can just cry at what life would be like without H in it, but I have to know that I could go on.  Otherwise, I really would cry.  All the time.

4 - An ear cuff.  On the day that we entered into a D/s contract, we agreed that I would wear a token of our contract everywhere.  He purchased two ear cuffs for me (actually three, but one was a copy in case I lost it).  I wear one or the other every day.  I touch it constantly to ensure it has not fallen.

Through these tokens, I am always reminded of all aspects of our relationship - our marriage, our togetherness, my independence and my submission.  I left the house this morning with none of these on and even though we were running late, I turned around and went right back.

There is no way that I am facing the day without these tokens.

BUT, having said all that - any or all of them are replaceable if one goes missing.
H is not.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Floggers!

Conina really knows how to help a girl out.  Not only did she make time to come meet my son and I on our trip last weekend, she showed up bearing cherries AND a long rectangular box.  The cherries were good, but it was the long box that had my attention - inside there were not one, but two hand-made amazing floggers.

(Conina has an Etsy shop if you are interested in really reasonably priced hand made floggers - just see her blog for the link.  I totally believe you can trust your anonymity with her if you order one.  Of course, how would she know?  But anyway, I digress.)

So, Conina was really special to meet for more than one reason - first of all, she was the second person who ever commented on my blog.  Secondly, her comments made a ton of sense to a confused babbling newly minted submissive.  Thirdly, she introduced the idea of breast slapping to me - an amazing addition to the D/s repertoire.  One I am not sure I would have found on my own.

Anyway, it turns out she is special for other reasons:

1.  We were really late because we failed several times at our transportation attempts.
2.  She and her family had to walk all over the place to find us because I am (ahem) directionally challenged.
3.  If she was upset or frustrated about the first two, I saw no indication whatsoever.
4.  She and her husband REALLY LOVE each other.  (Deep looks in quick moments.)
5.  Her kiddo is clearly a happy and well cared for child.  A real delight!

I could go on, but just know that the sex blogger is also a great person and I am glad to have met her.  I hope it is the continuation of a great friendship.

Having got that out (and a very important piece it was), I must return to the topic of the floggers.

The picture below does not do them justice because my camera sucks, but you can get an idea.  And the short one has already been put into action.



We got home from a long driving day on Sunday and fell into bed.

On Monday, there was laundry and cleaning and some work to do, but something felt off.  Something felt weird.

Finally, in the late afternoon, I asked H, "Are you ever going to spank me?"

Mind you, it was not a maintenance day, and I am not technically supposed to ask, but we had just spent four days with other people around the clock and there had been no play.

"You think I should?"

"Um, YEAH."

So, we check that J is happily occupied elsewhere, and we wander to the back room.

"Shall I try out one of the new floggers?"

Oh. Shit.  Now, I am a little bit nervous.  I haven't been spanked in a week and I am worried about the re-virginization of my bottom.  Also, those are some pretty big floggers - I mean compared to our little nylon whippy one.

Why do I ask for these things???

But, as always, I lay straight down on the bed even though I was thinking these thoughts.  Scared or not, I was not giving up a spanking.

And he beheld my ass.  And he rubbed it with his hands and with his crotch.

Then he started spanking away with his hand.

Oh. My. God.  An immediate release of tension resulted and I was in heaven.

Then the shorter of the two new ones made an appearance and it came down.  Straight across both cheeks.

Over and over and over...

After the hand warm up, it started slow, but before I knew it a burn began to build and soon I was crying out.

After he stopped, I had reclaimed my soft submissive feeling and he had reclaimed the hardness in his cock, which I immediately sucked and sucked until he could stand no more.

We returned to our afternoon, and I told him that I felt blistered.  Blistered, that was the feeling.  (I checked, there were none.)

I don't know about you, but when I can't recall the burn of a spanking on my bottom, it has been too long.

And now, with a welcome home to Conina's Creation and an extra server room spanking this morning, the world feels right again.

Big happy sigh.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Vacation! Day 4

And today we begin our long trek home! 

There are a group of bloggers that do Sinful Sunday if you are looking for some kink in your day.

Tomorrow, a day of rest and some time thinking about those who have gone before us.  If we get too tired, we will stop somewhere for the night, but that is a minor diversion.

I should soon be back to life, spanking and work.  I am sure I had a great time.

(A favorite line from a favorite movie - If I forget to tell you later, I had a really nice time.)

Yes, I wrote all these vacation posts the day before I left ala Spanky style.  Just wanted to stay in touch in a post-cardy kind of way.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Vacation! Day 3 - CONINA

I had this ready to post this afternoon, but I pulled it at the last second just in case something went awry, but it didn't so much.  So, here you go...

How lucky am I?  I am sooooo lucky!

Did you know that Conina and her family live exactly in the area that we are visiting?  I did.  AND I got permission from H to break our anonymous rule and meet up with this lovely gal.

AND, if all things are proceeding as planned, we are sitting down for lunch right as this post is appearing!

AND, she asked me my favorite color.  So, that might mean something really cool.  Can you tell that I am just super thrilled even in advance?

Yep, imagine it.  Kitty and Conina in the same room together.  Talking about oh, probably the weather, because well, our kiddos will be there too.

Either way, I can feel the jealousy now.  Who wouldn't want to meet Conina?  And, if you don't read her blog - get over there right away.

And yes, I scheduled ALL those other vacation posts, just so I could slip this one in.  That is how excited I was.  It has been very difficult for me to be subtle about the whole thing.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Vacation! Day 2

Plans being what they are, I am sure that we are totally on track.  So, we are arriving at our destination and preparing for a weekend of graduations, family and fun.

It is Friday and I traditionally like to do a Follow Friday piece.  I haven't been doing that lately, but I have found a couple of new and interesting blogs that you should go check out - if you are into that kind of thing...

Fondler's Anonymous and her tales of BIKSS (which means Boy I am Kinda Sorta Seeing, in case you are wondering).

Spankfully Mine, which is co-written by Mistress Nichole and her slave Pura.

I wish everyone a safe start to their holiday.  (Memorial Day in U.S.)

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Vacation! Day 1

If all goes according to plan, we are driving all day today.  If you are looking for something good to read - check out some of my favorite sources for new blogs and pictures:  My Bottom Smarts and Bright Bottom.  I have to say, I actually don't know what motivates these two to do all the work they do to keep us up to date with other Spankos/DD/D/s enthusiasts, but I for one, am glad they do it!

Wishing you a wonderful Thursday!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Vacation! Preparation

We leave tomorrow for vacation - lots of family and perhaps a friend or two.  Of course, today is crazy clean my desk day.  I do have a sexcapade to share, but I fear it will have faded before I have time.  Just know there was lots of spanking, a bit of blow jobbing and an orgasm or five thrown in.  ;)

Anyway, I don't know what the schedule will look like, so I am leaving a vacation stamp so that no one thinks I have abandoned blogging.

Last night, we discussed that maintenance was likely going to be difficult, so I am sure to be back to a virgin bottom next week.  I wonder how that will feel?  Will the burn be fully gone from my derriere?  Whatever will I do?

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Talking During Spankings

Of late, there has been a lot of chit chat going on at our house during a spanking.  A lot of laughter and giggling too.  From both of us.  I don't know if we are getting into the right headspace.

Or maybe we are in the exact right headspace for us. For now.

We practice "maintenance" spankings on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays.

My understanding of maintenance is that it is a time to access submission and to connect with each other.  It should be more intense than a good-girl, but much less than a punishment.

However, the act of scheduling maintenance in our busy lives has both its good points and bad.

Good - I get spanked.  At least three times a week, no matter what.  By no means a small thing, we make a space to connect with each other.  And we really don't miss.

Bad - Like Facebook, it is easy to feel as though you are in touch when you aren't really.  We have checked in, we have spanked, we have moved on as though our D/s commitment is met.  Not every week, but some.

I mused aloud the other night - are we stuck on spanking?  This is just one tool in the whole bag of imagery and fantasies that both of us share, but it was the first tool we grabbed and aside from kneeling rituals, it is really the go-to all-in-one tool.

Will there be a point where its use will fade and we incorporate more tools more often or is spanko land our primary resting place?

I don't know the answers and I am actually enjoying the giggling and what have you, but sometimes a good thing can make you feel complacent and stunt your progress.  And progress is important.

It's been said that if you aren't growing, you are dying.

And with that, I'll just leave this right here.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Perspective

I was randomly viewing pictures on Sinful Sunday , which led to some Tumblr's and to other places and whatever.  Okay, okay, I was sex surfing.

Anyway, I came across a picture that made me pause.

A woman was being sprayed with cum while blindfolded and it was bubbling out of her mouth, running into her eyes and what have you.  I did not post it here, because, even for me, it felt a bit graphic.

For whatever reason, a camera angle or a shadow or I don't know... that picture stabbed into me and touched the other me.  You know, the me that you might run into on Facebook or at work or on one of my other blogs.  The one whose first thought on seeing a picture like that thinks, what a misogynistic piece of shit.  With a big sigh for what we do to women in this world.

Now, I am not here to think about feminism vs. submission one more time.  That has been discussed before, and I am sure it will come up again, just not today.  Today, I want to talk about my second thought.  The thought that maybe she really, really wants to be there and he is just finally getting it right for her.

That, my friends, is perspective.

Mine has changed a bit over the last months and I wonder why I never contemplated that someone might have actually asked or begged to be in that position.  And then I remember the answer.  Well, actually, the other me knows the answer:  No woman could possibly want to be in that position unless she has been somehow lied to or manipulated into thinking that was okay.

Right?  Right.

Except, maybe not.  I am educated and I am a feminist and I have never been told that I should be subservient.  I have never thought that I couldn't do anything that I wanted to do.  I was never manipulated or lied to, except by advertisers, of course.  And I get it.  Right here, right now, how a woman might want to be in that position.  Might beg and plead for it.

Now, my other me is stubborn and will tell you - Still, those pleadings are based on a response to those advertisers and the subliminal messages she receives from how women and men treat her and from churches and from schools and from everywhere.

And this me, the more real me, the one that is softer, happier, more open and trusting, and yes, more communicative with her husband, has a question to ask - Which is the lie?

Gloria Steinem once said something about knowing women were really equal when an incompetent woman was elected president.  Then you would know that gender is not an issue.  Americans will vote for incompetency.  They just (to date) won't vote for women.

I would take those words and twist them a bit - Dominants have often been primarily portrayed by a dominatrix that would take a successful business man and reduce him to puddles.  Then he could go back out into the world and continue to be ruthless.

In blog town, I see a lot of submissive women who are the same as those business men, strong and powerful out there and needing a release in here.  The only real difference is that those needs tend to be met more within their relationships.

Doesn't that just signal that we are stronger, we are better, and we are entitled to a release as well?  Maybe the woman in the picture wanted her face showered in cum and splashed on the Internet?

Okay, shit.  This did turn into a bit of a feminist thing.  I am stopping now, but these kinds of thoughts have been running through my head a lot lately.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Right in the A**

"I'm going to take you in the ass whenever I want."

Those are the words he whispered to me the day we signed our contract and started TTWD.  I shivered with both pleasure and apprehension.

Mostly, I post about the things that are going well, but this is an area that is not moving as smoothly as anyone would like.  I started a comment on Fondlers Anonymous' post and I realized that I have so much more to say. 

You see, that promise from above, is as of now, unfulfilled.

There are always reasons for this.  Lots and lots of reasons and I could blog for days about why it doesn't happen, but I will spare you the details.  The truth is that if you want to do something, you will do it.  Plain and simple.  No matter what.

I am not a woman who is scared of anal sex.  But, we have had some bumps in the road.  The first time we tried a butt plug, we were a bit ambitious with the size and I freaked out with the fullness of it.  Anal beads I loved, but H didn't as much.  And the good ole cock?  Well, sometimes I am more relaxed than others and sometimes it just doesn't get there.

So, I say I want it.  I say I like it, but my body betrays my words.  And I haven't yet figured out who is lying here - me or my body?  Because I do like it.  Really.  I do.

It feels that even though I been having sex this way intermittently for almost 20 years, that I need to start with some good old fashioned anal training.  Actually, that sounds fun and like something we can do in those snippets we only seem to have.

Example:  Just this morning - H woke me before heading to his golf club for the day.  I woke up super grouchy... (I know, surprising right?)  H had been up for a while and was in a good mood, showering kisses on me and he had even gone and got me a coffee from Starbucks.  And I was like "Blergh, grump, pah."  He just laughed at my surliness because I guess I am cute when I wake up this way and asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you before I go?"

My first thought was, "Yeah, it is Sunday (maintenance day) - you could spank me".  But, I knew I did not get to ask for favors when I was being such a grouch.  My rule, not his.  And I have no reason to believe that spanking won't happen when he gets back.  In fact, I am sure it will.

As I was sitting here writing this, an even better request came to mind - he could have just said, "Maybe you should wear that butt plug for a while until you feel better."  Sadly, he isn't thinking that way and neither am I.

It makes sense though - I like a bit of pain.  I derive comfort and balance from spanking.  He wants my ass to be his.  Why can't we just start doing it?  That would not be a punishment, that is something I would totally do.

If only someone would have thought of it.  And by someone, I mean H.  Or me.

So, this is a rambling post, but I guess it is also a communication to H - because he is golfing and I am here and this felt like it needed to be said.

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I am adding in a few Follow Friday snippets below.  Kind of like, hey, if you liked my blog, you might like some of the stuff I like, even though it is completely unrelated to the topic at hand.

You probably know by now that I really love Jake's blog and he has done it again - given a really great perspective on how they handle his partner's time of the month.  You should check it out.

Also read today is Master's Piece with an apology, which is the best way I have ever seen someone address the stats on their blogs.  (Well, maybe is a tie with Spanky's take on search terms.)

Conina's Fantasy Friday is pretty cute too.  (And by cute, I mean HOT.)

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Centennial Celebration

This will be my 100th post in just under four months.  Strictly speaking, it is the 101st post I've written, since I have been sitting on one since March.  That one - well, I am proud of it, but it turned out that just writing it was enough.  So, I keep it where I continually go back to look at it, instead of posting it and moving on.

THE STATS - by the numbers

This blog has been viewed almost 17,900 times and there have been 463 comments - about half are replies from me.  So, that is 230 comments - a ratio of just over 1 comment for every 100 page views.  I have started a few blogs over the years and I never expect anyone to look at them - I write because I like to and because, in this case, I was required to.  I am still surprised that people come to visit and I do pay attention (how can you not?), but I still just write what I am thinking.

The countries that come to visit are revealing to me.  When you look at the map in the dashboard, there is dark green in the US and light green all through Europe, Russia and Australia.  I am reminded as I look at the rest of the world that there are whole countries who are too busy trying to feed and shelter themselves to think about sex blogs.  I feel guilt on those days.

The all-time top search terms that land people here are:  Kitty the submissive wife (which is new but has shot to the top in the last month and it means people are looking for me - a surprising (to me) fact), submissive wife, standing orgasm, standing orgasms, and submissive wife rules.  The addition of my name has thankfully pushed "how to train a submissive wife" down to the bottom of the list.  Those who read regularly know that particular turn of phrase really bothers me.

Other than google, my top five referring sites are good people and I am grateful to have been on this journey with them - Bonnie, Spanky, Me (more on that down below), Conina, and Jake.  For those who don't know any of these - you can find any kind of spanking blog you want at Bonnie's My Bottom Smarts.  Spanky keeps me giggling with a daily humorous look at spanking on Bright Bottom, while Conina has inflamed my world and informed my perspective on pain and pleasure at Exploring Surrender.  Jake's Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds is an informed how-to BDSM for real people.  I love that this was my top 5 and I didn't even have to search for their links.  I visit most of them every day.

Another notable referring source is Riley at Vanilla Extract, whose voice is just so compelling as she approaches TTWD in stages that have somewhat mirrored mine.

THE STATS - the ones that actually matter

When I started this blog, I had a new contract with H.  This was a Master/slave contract and I literally thought that I was going to start being punished every second.  And I had no idea what the punishment would look like - the most extreme BDSM scenes ever played over and over in my head.  Me hanging from the ceiling while I was bound with rope and whipped by strangers in a damp dungeon.  (That could still happen I guess, but we aren't there at this point.)

I went into a crazy anxiety driven melt-down as I waited for that shoe to drop.  I didn't know what to expect, but I did know all the times I let me down (and I thought that I let down H), so I knew the shoe would drop and I knew I wanted to see it, but I was very scared.  It got so crazy that H decided to just take me in the back room and spank me.

Other than a few sexual taps, this was really my first spanking ever.   As H put it at the time, "As soon as you were across my lap, I knew it was right."  I concur whole-heartedly with that observation.

Having just come from a spanking and being required to blog, I turned to the Internet for information.  I have since learned that many of you did this the other way around - read all about various things and then presented it to your relationship.  Not me - I always research the stuff that has already happened.

This is when I first stumbled across Domestic Discipline (DD).  There are literally no domestic discipline aspects in our contract, but for about two months, we flirted with the idea.  At H's request, DD had to be separate from the BDSM activities, spanking had to be separate.  I started a companion blog, Discipline Desires, and tried to explore this dynamic for myself.  I wrote 48 posts there and that blog has been viewed just over 6,800 times.

No one ever said I was a quick learner.  The reality is that DD is not for us.  There are so many reasons for this, and a big one is religion.  Yes, religion.  I was raised in a very authoritative religious culture and when I married H all those years ago, we had a lot of sex problems right out of the gate.  See, I had already left my religion of origin and I knew that I could enjoy sex and all its dirty-ness, because as a fornicator, I was headed straight to Hell.  The day I became a wife, I was no longer on the path to Hell and my previous sexual openness mysteriously vanished over night.  Wives don't do the things girlfriends do.

I never said it made sense, I am just saying that is what happened.  It took a while to come out of that and DD kind of re-established that "wife fallacy" in my mind.  So, it had to go.

The side trip into DD for almost two months was really unfortunate, because the spanking had moved there with it.  The top three all-time viewed posts at Discipline Desires are Silent Spankings, Spankings, Spankings Everywhere and Punished at the Office.  I guess this is the best way to explain that it turns out I am a Spanko.  I didn't know that term six months ago, and now I am one.

And for those who like spanking, having that very fun activity married in your partner's head to a dynamic you have decided to abandon altogether is not a happy making experience.  It took quite a while to move it back to The Submissive side.  We are still working on that.

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All in all, I am glad that H decided not to just kill the whole thing when I got crazy at first, but rather to take a small step forward with that first spanking.  I think that took a lot of courage on his part.  It was really risky as I look back at how worked up I had become.

He continues to take those small steps and I am right there with him - no more anxiety on this front.  None at all.  I am looking forward to the next 100 steps.

I can't promise that I will blog about them or be around at all - promises are foolish in a world of distractions and realities, but for now, this is enjoyable to me and that is why I continue to do it.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Twelve Words


Heart Slapper

Gone

Missing

How Will He Mark

My Ass

With Love



_____________________________________________________________________

Idea from Aisha.



Paddle found here.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Afternoon Delight

I came home for lunch today and we...

Had lunch.

It was good.  I made sandwiches and we sat and talked about all that had transpired in the four hours since we had seen each other.  It was quite a lot actually.  With J at school, we sat up to the breakfast bar and took a break in the middle of the day.

Of course, it WAS Thursday.  And Thursdays call for a spanking and maybe, if there is time, a Play Date.

As I lingered before returning to work, H touched the small of my back and led me toward the hall.  We found ourselves in the bedroom.  I was wearing a knee length skirt and shoes with a little heel on them.

H pulled two pillows over on the bed and as always, I did not hesitate to bend straight over for him.  He walked into my back for a moment and I noticed that my heels put me at just about the right height.  He raised my skirt and started slowly rubbing my ass.

H worships my bottom - he rubs it like it is the sexiest thing he has ever beheld and I marvel at how desirable that makes me feel.  He paused to ponder his choice of toys before selecting the flogger.  It seemed as if there was no time between it's selection and the sound of air as it whooshed towards my ass.


Right away, I had something to say.  The right side is hurting more. Wait. Why are you hitting the left side more?

"I am hitting the right side softer.  Shush."

But, it is landing here.  I pointed to the side of my thigh.  Instead of here.  I pointed to my left butt cheek.  There is a difference.

"Is that better???"

You should know that by now we were both giggling.  Are you supposed to giggle through spankings?

He slid his hand to my clit and started to play as I spread my legs a bit more.  Balancing on the little heels was becoming a noticeable task.  I don't know if I can come this way.

"No?"  And suddenly his cock was pushing between my thighs.  (When did his pants come off???)

I am not wet enough.

"Hmmm..."  And with the penis sitting there knocking at the door, he started using his bare hand on my bottom.  Another spanking.  Which I can tell you is definitely an attention grabber.

Just a few spanks on each cheek and with a raise of my leg onto the bed, he slid right in.  And just like that, I was this close to coming.

One leg on the floor, one on the bed, a cock holding me up and I started rocking against him as he pushed directly into me.  Again.  And again.  And then I was coming.  I was coming so hard that I forgot to stand.  I lifted my other leg.  I was flying - stomach on the edge; H wedging me in.  He suddenly stopped pushing as the entire weight of my body increased the downward pressure on his legs.

I am... gasp... sorry.

With a few more thrusts, he came too - pushing his body until I felt completely covered in man.

And then, a most Dom like command, "Go get a towel."  I stood and scurried to the towels I have on hand for this very purpose.  I came back and ignoring his outstretched hand, I knelt down and cleaned him up.

My skirt fell back into place and I tottered on shaky legs as H walked me to the door.

"I'll see you tonight.  It's Date Night."

Standing orgasms are not my favorite, but when they work, well, they really work.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Reading in Bed

I've mentioned this before, but H goes to bed before I do most nights.  He might even get there a few minutes before J goes down.

I am often left trying to figure out what I should do during the adult hours of the evening.  For reasons unknown, I don't usually come up with anything productive.

Today was a pretty bad day.  There are good ones and there are bad ones - this was not a good one.  H was definitely headed to bed early, sleeping pill in hand to escape the worst of it, but I was not done. And I didn't want him going to sleep in the mood he was in. That kind of mood can ruin more than a night's sleep... it can grow and swallow up whole months.

Trust me, I've been there.

So this time, I went with him.  I lay down, planning to talk, but I saw how tired he was, so instead, I decided to read to him.  That way he could fall asleep and not feel as if he had to participate.

What did I read you ask?  Why, I read him the words of blogtown.  I started with the comments that had come into my e-mail just today.  The last one was from mouse at The Power Exchange, so I skipped off to her blog and read it next (thank you mouse for a really entertaining post by the way).

You should know that H is likely to read the blogs of anyone I link to or anyone who comments here, but I never get to see his reaction and I rarely hear feedback.  He just absorbs and catalogs and I assume, processes.  Tonight, I got a bit of feedback and it was fun!  Kind of like talking to your spouse about a party on the ride home.

I caught him up on some of the back stories and he expressed surprise at some of the things he heard - How could it actually be loud?   A: Ball bearings, or something like that.

Also, reading the sexy words out loud was a different experience for both of us.  Like a safe place to use words that we might otherwise stumble over in normal conversation.

In the end, he stayed awake a bit longer than normal and I gave him a foot rub on the way out.  I feel better about how his day ended than how it began.

The sex is an important part of this dynamic, but I think there is value in stopping and taking time to also feed your partner's soul.  As the sub, this can easily get overlooked, but you can't play with a Daddy or a Master who is not a happy camper.

And not just so they will be up for that spanking you were promised on Thursday.  Okay, maybe for that, but also for all of it.  All of it is important.

I hope that I will be reading out loud more in the future.  It was a lot of fun... In addition to fresh blog posts, I can think of a few erotica stories that I have archived in the Kindle.  Stories I actually may need to read again.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Labeling Your Kink

Let's talk about labels for a few moments.  Not labeling as a method to limit your experience or your dynamic.  No, I want to talk about labels as a way to help you find what you seek.  If a label can help you describe something that you don't even fully understand yourself, then I say use it.

Of course, we all have to agree on what a label means.

I call H a Daddy Dom most often.  He never really acknowledges me when I do so.  I think this is because other than WOP, he doesn't want a label.  He likes to be called wop because of the historical significance - his ancestors, did in fact, hit Ellis Island, w.ith o.ut p.apers.  He is proud of whence he comes.

But, this is really about me, and my need to understand a bit about my man.  My need to define what I see.

From a Fet profile:

Daddy Dom - It means he loves his adult little one with an undying passion. He always has his submissive's best interest in mind, even when it conflicts with his personal desires. That doesn't mean that he gives into her every whim. There can be a huge difference in her desires and her real needs. He has to be able to make that sacrifice for her if needed. And yes, at times he does punish her. This usually hurts him just as much if not more than her, but he will always do what's best for her.
He helps her determine and reach her goals in life. He will help her improve herself to be the best she can be, not just for HIM but for her. He's not just looking to make her a better submissive, but a better person in general.
He becomes many things in her life, a mentor, a teacher, a protector, a guide, and a lover! He offers her what she needs most of all, unconditional love and acceptance. He is consistent in his actions so that she knows what to expect from him, she knows she can depend on him!

You see, I wasn't trying to turn my Honey into anything (well, okay, I wasn't trying after a while).  No, I was trying to figure out who he already was.  The more I think about the man I am with and the more I see, the more he is a Daddy to me.
Some of this may be caused by the small generational differences that we bring to the table.
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This, of course presents a bit of a quandary - because I have yet to see a little girl in me.  Which is the problem with labels.  If you determine a label for one, do you then have to have the complementary label in the other?  Research seems to suggest that the answer to this is yes.


And rather than a little girl, I have actually discovered more of a pain slut.  Heavy on the slut part, please.  I don't get more submissive when I am offered love and affection.  I get submissive when I am flogged and dominated and plundered.  H is willing to do these things, but mostly upon my suggestion.  I guess you could say that he is training me as an independent submissive.

I know that he derives satisfaction when I lose control, but he seems to get the most satisfaction from our quieter moments.  The cuddling and the talking and the dancing and the kissing.  Those are nice and wonderful moments.  Those are not what I crave.

By way of an example, H, upon request, has started talking more during sex.  I love that he is trying and I love hearing the oh yes, baby, oh baby, that's it, baby... but now and again, I would like to also hear You are a slut, aren't you?  You want me to fuck that tight hole don't you?  You are a very bad girl who needs to be fucked in the ass...

Yes, there is a difference here.

The difference between soft pleasurable foreplay and hard cock-pounding.  Both are great, but if I could only have one, I would take the latter.  I suspect H would take the former.

I don't think these differences are insurmountable.  There are many great moments in all parts of the sexual experience.  I also don't think the labels that I currently believe define us are absolute or meant to be limiting.  I suspect as time goes on, I will change my mind about much of this.

But for now, I do believe it is important to acknowledge that there is a difference.

And if it comes to an extreme and starts defining whether or not we should be together, my choice would be to safe word out of the whole thing,  H is who I need to be with.  He is who makes me a better person.  For me.  Every day.

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I haven't done a Follow Friday in a while (for a lot of reasons), but you should go look at these if you find you are looking for something good to read:

Sweat the Small Stuff from Jake

and

Hoist The Freak Flag High from Lily

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Pain Slut

Laying in bed, we were drifting off to sleep.  Then my hand reached over and his hand reached over.  I started playing with his cock and he started playing with my breasts.

"I think you really like touching my ass.  I like it when you touch my ass."  I am starting to ask for more, which is where our brand of submissiveness is taking us.

"You're just figuring this out?"  As his hand moved down, I flipped onto my stomach and continued fondling him.

I was settling in for a nice night of vanilla loving.  I might be so bold as to say, I was looking forward to a nice night of vanilla loving.

Then his hand left my ass as he rolled over and started rummaging for something.

Ah, the flogger.

"You don't have to do that," I protested.  For some reason, I have worked myself into a headspace where I enjoy the spanking, the flogging, the whatnot and he does it only because I enjoy it.  Not because he enjoys it.  That is probably a false assumption on my part.

Despite my words, he does what he wants and he started flogging my ass.  The position meant some errant strings landed straight against my pussy and whipped at my clit.

I clearly remember telling someone in a comment the other day that pussy spanking was not for me.  And I did close my legs a bit more to stop the bites.

But then I opened them.  And clamped them back shut after shivers of pain went straight through me.

He stopped flogging and I turned around to suck on his nice full cock.  "I want to suck you.  I want to suck that nice cock of yours.  Would you like that?"  Yes, I am the talker in this little episode.  I didn't hear any complaints.

I put my ass in the air towards his face as I kneeled over and started just enjoying his cock.  I wasn't working toward any type of conclusion.  I was enjoying the taste.  The texture and the feel.  It was nummy.

"We might need the feather duster here."

"Then you will have to go get it.  It's in the other room."

As I hopped eagerly off the bed and went to get it, I was curious.  The feather tickler with the crop like handle had lain dormant for a while, but I well remembered its little red welts and stinging hand.

I returned to position and began kissing him down there, while he started tickling my ass and sliding the feathers up through my pussy.

"Ohhhhh," I said around a mouthful of cock, "My pussy is so wet."  He kept sliding the tickler up and down my slit, teasing me and making me give little grunts of pleasure.

Then I felt the handle on my ass.  It was a little tapping feeling, like a notification that a smack was coming.  He was doing it repeatedly - six or seven times on each cheek.  My squirming about was becoming intense.

I stopped sucking and lifted my head.  The next little tap was a bruising stripe.  I put my head back down and sucked away.  The taps felt the same as before.  I tested what was happening by raising my head off the cock once more and yes, they hurt again.

A part of me marveled - he was hitting with the same force, but cock in mouth = little tapping feeling; empty mouth = painful striping welts.  Oh my god, this is how it happens - this is how you get to those extreme things I heard tell of; one experience at a time.  I am a pain slut.

Then his fingers came and started rubbing my clit.

I began bucking around his cock. I had a fleeting concern that I might cause him damage if I came with my jaw or with my teeth, but I still heard no complaints.

I bucked my way to completion.  The contractions rocked through my whole body until I lay, momentarily sprawled, cock still in mouth, all over the bed.

I turned my body around his cock so that my tongue could flick that sensitive spot under the bulb while I continued to suck.  Now.  Now I had purpose and with purpose, I brought him to a very resounding contracting completion as well.  He came more than I remember in recent months until he also lay sprawled, all over the bed.

Then the famous sleep of the goodly fucked took over and that was it.

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Pictures from Old Erotic Art on Tumblr.  There are some great historical photos there... go check it out.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Therapy

I am lucky that with my family background, therapy is something that we have all known we could access if we felt we needed it.  It was never a "stigma" to me and when I have found a good therapist it has been helpful in the past.  Well worth the expense.

I am telling you this because I believe in being upfront about the fact that there are times when people need help and that doesn't mean you are crazy or weak or whatever.  It just means you need some help.  It doesn't have to be a huge deal, but it can make a big difference.



The recent funk that I blogged about last week was even more intense in my vanilla life than I let on - there are things that need to be dealt with and I thought it would be helpful to return to the woman who has helped me previously.

Previously, though, I did not know I was a spanko.  I see that people everywhere have known from a very young age what they were and struggled with that.  For whatever reason, this is NOT a lifestyle that I was aware of in myself other than in retrospect.  But, here I am.  With newly diagnosed spanko-ism.  Which would be quite a change from the last time I worked with this therapist.

The thing is - I am not sure that it has any relevance whatsoever to my current issues.  I do know that last time I was seeing this lady, we were also trying to start a M/s relationship, and she did not find it relevant to our discussions at that time.  But, I don't know for now - since we are actually engaging in the spanko type activities, not just talking about it.  My "issues", if you will, have more to do with external triggers and are not relationship oriented. 

I wondered if others have thought this through or had therapeutic experiences that were not related to their relationship but still involved their sexual identity?  I do not have a traumatic sexual (or submissive) experience in my history (thankfully), which is where I have seen the majority of posts that relate to this topic.

Any thoughts are appreciated!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Safe Word II

I have used the title, Safe Word, before.  The previous post was about why I thought people needed a safe word.  This post is about my inadvertent use of ours.  As far as needing a safe word, it seems to me that there are people out there who don't have one that definitely should.

I would say that it is not a big deal, so you might as well have one.  Right?  No one is perfect, especially not Them.  :)

Anyway... I used my safe word tonight.  But, I didn't realize it.  You see, in a fit of complete caution and consideration by H, I not only have a safe word, I also have a safe gesture; in case I can't say the word.  This is actually NOT in the contract.  The closest thing to it is this:

If unable to utter the Safe Word due to being gagged or other circumstances the slave may make any noise five consecutive times rapidly as a replacement.

For whatever reason, tonight when I made a consecutive movement five times, H assumed it was also a cry for safety.  I am not complaining - I would rather he err on the conservative side.

I explained to him earlier that my breasts really needed some attention.  The fantasy I wrote about yesterday had taken hold of my mind and laid deep roots.  I really wanted something, anything to happen to them.

He was on his way to bed and while he was getting there, I simply removed my shirt and bra.  I got on the bed and knelt facing his direction.  At my request (plea), he grabbed the flogger and began flogging away.  After a moment, we decided to shift and I lay down on the bed; arms above my head.

It felt sooooo good.  He flogged with no rhythm - after telling me to close my eyes - he would hit one breast three times, then the other one twice.  Then the first once and the second three times.  I never knew where they were coming from.  It was amazing.

The feeling got to be so intense that I brought my hands up near where he was flogging, and with the palms down, I patted them in the air after an especially sting-y hit.  Apparently, I did that more than five times and he stopped.

In talking after, he made it clear that he considered five involuntary hand movements as being equal to one safe word.  That is okay, it is still early days and I think he is just as nervous as I am to really go over that edge of Kitty's control, but someday (soon), we are going to have to.

In retrospect, it was a good time to stop:  I am going to feel tingly all night, but I no longer feel that need to have something, anything happen.

He gave me permission to masturbate (a right I secured a few days ago, but one which I asked for tonight anyway) and instead, I gave him a foot rub until his body relaxed and he slept.

Another great day!  This morning, a server room maintenance spanking with a blow job and tonight, a nice bedtime flogging.  We are not having full on sex-capades here, but lots of excellent snippets.

Happy Tuesday!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Fantasy: Exhibitionist

Ever since I was a fairly young lass, I have had a strange desire to bare my breasts at people.  H lets me do it to him all the time and manages to come up with a smile each time.  (Have I mentioned how much I love him???)   And by do it to him, he could be watching a playoff game on TV, I will walk through the room and lift my shirt in my signature "flasher" move.

In a random Internet search, I came across a play party and one of their sponsor's, a swingers cruise, and I was fantasizing about what a play party would look like in our particular dynamic.  Frankly, I am easily embarrassed and H gets a little silly sometimes (he definitely did at the Lap Dance), so it is not an easy picture to convey.

But I did think of one look that suddenly felt right - on me a mask (one that just goes across my eyes, like batman) and a top with my breasts completely bare.  Preferably one with breast cut-outs, so that there is material swathing the whole breast.  Is this a way to convey the illusion of bondage?

From there, H could direct the rest of it.  In that environment, with those two items, my imagination runs completely crazy.


Just a random fantasy that passed before my eyes this morning.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Oh, I Was Asking For It

I pulled off two great clothing days over the last week or so.  Wait.  Let me go back.

The contract that we have has LOTS of rules about clothing.  Dressing like a woman.  Dressing sexy, yet accessibly.  I have learned that rules of attire are not that uncommon and I don't really complain about mine.  I get it.

H has always been a very snappy dresser.  I have always been a very apathetic dresser.  I mean, I like looking nice, but comfort seems to win.  H wants me to showcase my attributes and actually, well, look nice.

Well, it has been four months or so of nearly all skirts and dresses.  And when something happens every day, it gets harder and harder to make it look special.  But, in the last two weeks, I managed to pull off a "Wow!  You look great!" not once, but twice.  Yes!

I am holding up my part of the bargain.  I mentioned this to H just last night.  I mentioned my two extra special wins.  I mentioned that I was trying really hard to be a good girl.

I didn't mention it for any particular purpose other than I find it is always a good idea to advertise the stuff you are doing right.  Just in case someone is keeping track.

Later as we lay in bed, snuggling in for the night, we kept talking and I offered H a rub for his sore back.  He said, "Do you really want to do it?  If you were really a good girl, you would really want to do it."

I countered with, "If you want me to, I will."  I don't love giving back rubs.  And we both know it.

He said, "I shouldn't have to ask, you should just want to take care of me."

Oh, I do.  I just want credit for it, I was thinking.  In the silence my thoughts left, H said, "Okay, I will spank you.  But then I have to go to sleep."

"What?!!!"  I protested, "I wasn't asking for an extra spanking!"

"I'll spank you, but then we have to go to sleep."

"No, I am not trying to say I want an extra spanking... I'm not.  But of course, you can go to sleep any time you want."

Maybe it would be fair to stop here and tell you that while I was protesting my desire for an extra spanking, I had gotten up and laid myself straight over his lap.  Sometimes the other more vanilla me watches the things I do and shakes her head - I am always saying something that makes no sense to my actions.

I never actually don't present myself for paddling.  I just say stupid stuff while I am doing it.

Well, he spanked me, because there I was.

And I gave him a back rub.

And we went straight to sleep.  Just like he said we should.

That man knows me so well.



Saturday, May 5, 2012

The Hands of H

I stood up from my computer when he showed up at my office door and stepped toward him.  He slid his hands around my waist and pulled me in for a kiss.  His hands moved to my back and up and down it.  Then back to my waist.  I just wanted to stand there, eyes closed and feel his hands on me.


After an especially intense play session - the next day, the touch of H's hands will drive me wild.  Even the most innocuous touch.  It as if my body is still the instrument that he played well - vibrating for him.  I don't always notice his hands, but there are times when I can't see anything but the hands.

The last time I wrote about it was here and I am not sure why I wrote what I did that day, but today I feel the same way.  The Hands of H... oh my god.

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In a related side note, Aisha also wrote about hands today.  (BTW, her post is a lot hotter than this one and you should go check it out.)  I had opened my computer and self inventoried if there was anything that I wanted to share here.  And I remembered the way H's hands felt yesterday morning.  I remembered that I had written about it before and that I could do a quick post, because it was worth sharing.

Then I popped out to read a few blogs first and saw that Aisha had done hands too.  I remember us also writing about feminism on the same day, and I am not just talking about Aisha, there were others who also tackled feminism that week, including Jake.

Over the last two weeks there have been a lot of blogs about the blahs, my own included.  I am starting to think that (apologies to the boys) some of blog town is cycling together.  But, we may just be influenced by what we are reading (subconsciously or consciously).  Either way, I like that this feels like a conversation through posts at times and I like that topical similarities emerge - it means to me that I am on the right path.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Date Night or Sex in the Evening

Under the category of "Fake it until you make it", I am going to attempt to turn my blahs around by blogging a good sex post.  And here we go....

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Thursdays:  Play Dates (when possible) and Date Night (always)

Yesterday, there was no time for the play date during the day, but H made the date night special.  You see, he knows things have been blah.  They are blah for everyone and instead of carrying it on, he spent time and research to do something special for me - he picked a Sushi restaurant for date night!

H hates Sushi.  I love it.  I am not sure that we have ever, in 10 years, actually gone to a sushi restaurant together.  But last night, as he drove to an area of town that has lots of good restaurants, he had me wondering what was up when he picked a different parking lot than usual.  And then he walked up to the sushi place I have always wanted to try.  And it was good.  So good.

The conversation - a range of politics and theories and personal - adult time!

The food - just the right amount of everything to feel fulfilled.

The drinks - overpriced and fruity.

The man - well, he hit it out of the park.

On the way home, he brought up how much life is sucking right now.  You may think this is a bad thing, but reflect on this - how often can you get your man to talk about problems, much less initiate the discussion.  We had some honest exchanges and still felt love.  It is a wonderful feeling to know that you are in it with somebody and not on your own.

We did not pick up J on the way home; it was just the two of us in the house and we went to the bedroom.  We lay on the bed and we cuddled and we continued talking.  With our schedules being off, cuddling and talking has become precious time indeed.  H was rubbing up my hip and leg as we talked and I was relaxing immensely.

Well fed, good conversation, and a sexy man.  Already a great date night.

As it got later, we knew that one of us would have to go pick up J and so we started to think about playing.  I brushed my hand over H's crotch and noted there was zero tension or hardness there.  He was relaxed as well.

H turned me over on my stomach and lifted my skirt and began spanking my bottom.  Smack, smack, smack, smack - I have no idea how many times.  He went until, in his words, "my body relaxed into it."  My words - he went until I was dripping wet.  And I kept thinking of Aisha's post yesterday.

Then he turned over, and he undid his pants and he was no longer soft.  He was hard and I went down and I sucked until I felt it expand even more in my throat.  I was giving him my best, but my body betrayed me - it was squirming and it was squirting (an interesting feeling when there is no direct stimulation).  I was so damn wet.

I stopped the blow job and I looked up and said, "May I please sit on you?"

Now, H is a nice dom (a Daddy Dom really) and so, even though I was pleasuring him, he said yes.  And he moved around onto the bed until I could pull up my skirt and straddle him.  (Yes, I was still fully dressed.)

I was so wet.  Too wet - I was struggling to feel him inside of me.  I mean, it felt good, but there was no hardness to rock against, I was that lubed up.

He pulled my breasts free of my top and my bra and began squeezing and tweaking my nipples.  I had an answering tug in my pussy.  I continued to move, but thought, wow, I am a long way from coming.

And then... then, he spanked my left breast and I... I stopped thinking.  I stopped worrying about if I was smooshing him (me on top always makes me nervous of bending that rod the wrong way) and I just started riding.  He spanked my right breast - slap!

And I stopped riding and started bucking.

He spanked my left breast.  My right.  My left and I bucked and rode and swung and lost all thought of what I looked like or where I was or what I was doing.  I was completely a feeling organism.  No brain, just nerves.

And I came.  And came and came and came.  And when I caught part of my breath, I looked up at H.  "So, your breasts like to be spanked too?"

Gasp, gasp, gasp, yes, gasp, gasp, you think?

And he looked at me and I said, would you like me to go back to sucking your cock?

"Yes."  And I did and I gave it even more than I had before and I heard, "Oh Baby."  "Yes, Baby, that is it.  Right there.  So good.  Baby..."  And he came too.

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Later, I left him sleeping as I went to pick up J.  Even though I was in the same clothes, my boots were now flip flops and my hair was in a ponytail and I thought about the people that work the child care center and how many parents come back to get their kids from evening hours wearing the same clothes but looking a bit more, well, used.

And used I was.  In a good way.  Breast spanking.  Who would have thought?

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Dramedy Part II

If you are looking for a post called Dramedy Part I, you need look no further than my last several posts.  Even though they are not labeled that, they are definitely verging on the edge of creating Drama out of molehills.

Yes, I am mixing my metaphors and being a bit silly, but so is my attempt at this blogging stuff lately - mixed up.



I say that I am out of touch and I feel that.

I say that we are not doing anything new and I feel that.

But, as H so eloquently put it tonight - we are still doing everything.  I am still kneeling.  I am still dressing in skirts without panties, I am still being spanked at least three times a week.  I have sucked some cock.

We have actually found that if I lay across the bed flat, I can be spanked endlessly compared to other positions - which is why Good Girl Spankings are so much fun.

Tonight, after dinner, I was spanked, and my breasts were hit for the first time ever which caused a crazy response as I orgasm'd literally out of nowhere.  It was awesome.  My nipples are still vibrating.

And still, I sit down to write and I want to talk about disconnection and exhaustion and that nothing much is happening here.  Obviously things are.

Things that five months ago I never even imagined in my life.

Things that are now so commonplace that I don't even find them worth mentioning.  Hey, we have always had good sex and now we have good sex with flogging and spanking and such.  While getting there took some processing, now it just is?  So, it is normal?

Am I in the sexual 1%?



No.  It is not that.  Well, I may have won the sexual lottery with H, but that is not why I can't spew my sexual happiness all over this blog.

The truth is that I am angry about stuff that is happening outside of our bedroom.  Stuff that is outside of our control.  And yes, H is still there and he is still being amazing and he is really the bright spot in my day.  But as soon as I am out of his sphere, and out of the sphere of my wonderful son, the other worries creep in and steal my lovely feelings.

It is not sub drop.  It is just plain anger.  It is part of the process of accepting a life that is happening and I imagine I will get through it, but in the mean time, blerg.

I try, like so many of us, to keep this blog separate of all that, this blog is just for sex.  I have other blogs that I can write this stuff in.  But at the end of the day, everything intertwines.  We are whole people here and even if you don't know all the details, it was important for me to set the record straight:  the sex is great and the submission is carrying on - I just am not able to convey it now.

And that is the Dramedy that is me this week.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Energy and Submission

I don't know if I have seen this addressed in detail before, but I have seen a comment here and there about it.  Speaking for myself - it takes a lot of energy to be in a M/s relationship.

When I was a single gal, I put myself through college working full time.  I went to school full time, I worked full time - and I played a bit too.  Every so often, I would meet a cool new guy and we would have all this energy and we would talk all night and go out every chance we got and I would spend hours and days thinking of and being with him... and then eventually, I would need sleep again.

I can't count the number of two week to one month dating periods I had with someone that just faded away when the initial excitement waned.  There was no real time for a commitment or a break-up, because life just got in the way.  And since nothing had cemented, we just moved on to other things.

Yep, that's me, intense up front interaction, ending not with a bang, but a whimper.

I am worried that is what is happening here.  Work has been unbelievably busy for this time of year (it is supposed to be quiet days right now), there has been a bit of time consuming financial juggling, and H is working into a new medicine regimen that leaves him tired before the little guy is even in bed.  Which is not really fair to mention because I am tired too.


So, other than maintenance, not much is really happening here related to this relationship or dynamic or whatever.  We have fit in one additional play date and we have had Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday maintenance like clockwork.  And I just can't find the time to write when the feelings are still fresh.

When work heated up unexpectedly, I even stopped checking the blogs in the morning, at lunch and in the evening.  And then, I got out of the habit altogether.  It took me four tries to get the right password in tonight.  Gasp.

All of this is to say, I MISS IT ALL.  Reading, interacting, learning and most importantly, living it.

AND, I don't have a Follow Friday for this week because, well, I haven't been following.  So, I don't know what that means, but the contract says that I am supposed to blog about all things related to submission - the good and the bad - so this is the fulfillment of that.

Pretty pathetic, I am.  (Hey, I just pulled off a Yoda.  J and I have been trying to talk like Yoda and have hard found it to be. )